I Can't Believe I Wrote This Thing
by Selene Starblade
Summary: It's amazing. People expected something named 'I can't believe I wrote this thing' to be good? And boy, were they disappointed. This is probably among the more wasted bits of time I have used.


Okay, so there are a lot of silly, overused things in Ranma ½ fanfiction.  
  
There are also a lot of silly parodies of silly, overused things in Ranma ½ fanfiction.  
  
So, what if we parodied the parodies? Not individually, either. ALL AT ONCE!!!!  
  
What the Hell is Going On There?  
  
A Ranma ½ parody fanfiction by Selene Starblade.  
  
Disclaimer: I own none of the Ranma ½ characters, nor any of the crossover characters thrown in here for no particular reason.  
  
**splash**  
  
Ranma dragged himself up to the surface of the water, and slumped out onto the land, gasping for air.  
  
A large, crudely-formed panda and a lardly man in a communist outfit ran up to him.  
  
"Oh, too bad! Mr. Customer fall in Spring of Drowned Random Crossover Redhead! Now, each day turn into different redheaded character from video game, anime, cartoon, or manga! So tragic!"  
  
The blocky-looking panda held up a sign.  
  
[AnDW haTS pRINg dId iFAlliN AGAiN?]  
  
"Oh, is only Spring of Drowned Crumpled Up Drawing Of Panda. Not so tragic story of my daughter not like drawing she make of panda, crumple it up, and throw it in spring."  
  
The panda tried to sweatdrop, but seemed to gain a third ear instead.  
  
"You arent. Ranma, are you?"  
  
Nabiki looked the new arrival up and down.  
  
She was short, maybe three feet tall. She looked to be all of twelve, tops, unless she was in dire need of a growth spurt. She was wearing a strange iron mask on a headband, so that the bottom of it, just below it's nose, was barely above her eyebrows. She wore baggy tan overalls, and a blue cape, along with some ratty old sneakers. Most interesting of all were the contraptions stuck to her. On the front, there was a big round piece with a green crystal in the center attatched to what looked like two small rockets. The back half was much bigger, consisting of a horizontal cylinder attatched to a huge curving blade that stuck up past the small girl's head.  
  
"Yeah, so what's it to you?"  
  
Souun Tendoo fainted.  
  
"Even if you dodge my umbrella, my bandannas will shred you to pieces!"  
  
The tall, lanky redhead was wearing what looked like a soft brown leather minidress with black biker shorts. She shook her head once, causing her Pippi-Longstocking hair to bounce as she adjusted the flight goggles seated high on her head.  
  
"You kidding me?" She snorted. Shifting her leather-booted feet on the grass, she hauled back the hand with the large glove on it, and hurled her outsized boomerang up into the air, where it hung, spinning madly, then jumped up to spin with it.  
  
"OMEGA PSYCLONE!!"  
  
Ranma walked back into the house, heading straight for the kitchen and the kettle. As she was toweling off her hair and waiting for the water to heat up, Akane walked in.  
  
"Whatcha got there, Akane? Is it edible?"  
  
Akane glared at the red-eyed redhead with the cloak and strange clothing.  
  
"Whaaaat? I just wanna know what it is!"  
  
Akane sighed and held out a small animal. "I want you to give it a bath for me, okay?"  
  
Ranma/Lina and the creature stared at each other.  
  
"You sure you wanna keep it? I know you didn't have a pet before."  
  
"Just give it a bath, Ranma!"  
  
Ranma took the creature in hand and they stared at each other some more.  
  
"What the hell are you?"  
  
"Pikachu." Stated the creature, looking depressed.  
  
"Thanks to that weird redhead with the crab-hair, I fell in the spring of drowned Random Cute Animal Mascot!"  
  
Ranma sweatdropped.  
  
Ranma was female, cursing, and unhappy. She sat atop the wall in her extremely formfitting and rather revealing blue no-self-respecting-female- ninja-would-actually-wear-this outfit, complete with fully functional tanto, and moped at the empty lot until her eyes, currently the same rust- red as her hair, caught on the gymnast beating up three guys in invisible man outfits.  
  
Sighing, Ranma/Kasumi hopped down off of the wall and stalked over towards the confrontation, in a horrible mood. Someone was going to pay.  
  
"And now, the challenger, Chain Gun, who, by special dispensation, has not been required to wear a leotard!"  
  
Kodachi stared at the stubby little girl in the pink cyframe facing her.  
  
Ranma just fumed. ~Stupid pink thing just won't come OFF.~  
  
Ranma/Sonson, holding the red baton-thing that came with the form of the day, carefully balanced herself on the iceskates. She hardly noticed when Mikado came up behind her to scoop her off of the ice, as the baton moved itself to intercept his jaw.  
  
Mikado struggled to his feet. ~Now she MUST be the one-thousandth! I will not rest until she is! A monkey tail AND she is skilled! This will definitely be a difficult kiss to acquire!~  
  
(Skip large quantities of Ranma ½) (Aw, heck, skip most of it.)  
  
Ranma froze.  
  
Saffron had just been defeated, and now someone else was appearing.  
  
She was short, and had purple hair. She also had navy-blue wings.  
  
And a cat-face, and a cat-tail, and fur.  
  
Ranma began to coat over with ice.  
  
She bowed to him. "Hello. I, Selene Starblade, would like to officially thank you on behalf of all the gods for destroying Saffron."  
  
Ranma blinked.  
  
"You're not going to promise divine retribution?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Try to seduce me?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Tell me that my father engaged me to you?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Try to persuade me to marry you?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Offer me godhood?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Ask me to be your avatar?"  
  
"Nuh-uh."  
  
"Try to teach me the true Neko-ken?"  
  
"Now that's an idea... Naah, it would take too long."  
  
"So you're just thanking me?"  
  
"Well. yeah. Why?"  
  
".."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Never mind. You're welcome. Can I save Akane now?"  
  
"Hm? Oh, sure, go ahead. Bye now."  
  
**knock, knock**  
  
Ranma opened the door.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
The tall, stately man in an overdecorated kimono bowed.  
  
"Ohayoo. I am Prince Flavoring of That Little Country In The Middle Of Nowhere With A Population Of Fifty. May I please speak to Akane?"  
  
Ranma gave him a suspicious look.  
  
"Are you going to try to kidnap, marry, molest, or kill her?"  
  
Prince Flavoring blinked.  
  
"Uh, no, actually, I just wanted to see if she wanted to play shogi."  
  
Ranma fell over.  
  
Ranma, looking distinctly nervous, was walking down the street, when a strange man fell out of the sky, making a large crater.  
  
Ranma backed up and pulled up his battle aura.  
  
The man stood up.  
  
"Hi, there Ranma. I'm the omniscient self-insert avatar who knows how to solve all of your problems while probably gaining a girl/boy-friend from the standard cast." She said.  
  
Ranma blinked. "Weren't you just a guy?"  
  
The man nodded. "I am."  
  
The extremely ordinary-looking girl continued. "But, for once, I'm not going to do anything. Have a nice time trying to solve things on your own. I'm off to go find Goku and spar."  
  
And with that, he/she disappeared.  
  
Ranma sat, meditating, in the dojo.  
  
He wasn't trying to figure out an unbeatable ultimate technique, or increase his skills beyond all reasonable levels. He'd managed that a few minutes ago.  
  
No, now he was trying to regain his inner calm.  
  
Of course, to everyone else, it just looked like he was curled in the corner, gibbering.  
  
Nabiki looked over at Kasumi, compassionately.  
  
"Oneechan, I'm worried about Ranma."  
  
Kasumi looked back calmly. "Don't be. It's just that both of us having his children at the same time. you know."  
  
Nabiki nodded. "Yeah. At least Akane's cooking is very good now."  
  
Ranma just sat there, gibbering.  
  
After all, when everything only ALMOST goes wrong..  
  
How do you know it didn't really?  
  
Yeah, it's more silly than anything else.  
  
I just got the urge to write this. Go ahead and review it if you want.  
  
Just a few thoughts I had. Feel free to steal anything except my original character I threw in.  
  
Just so you know-  
  
Chain Gun is from Evolution Aika (Omega Psyclone girl) is from Skies of Arcadia Lina Inverse is from Slayers Sonson is Capcom, although the only place I've ever seen her is Marvel vs. Capcom 2.  
  
I would have used others, but then this would be longer, and I don't want that.  
  
Till later, Jaa ne! 


End file.
